hi!!!
i have a problem... i see this cute guy on the bus sometimes... and i really like him but i just CAN'T look at him... even if i know it's ridiculous and i always tell myself that looking at someone is no big deal... the second i see him all the logic is gone...my head is empty except for the thought: "i can't look at him. he must think i'm some stalker or sth..." and my heart is beating really fast and i just can't help it... and i look everywhere but not at him. i know it sounds ridiculous but i just don't know what to do!
if i'd see him EVERY single day it could be different. i'd start to look at him and maybe even say hi or sth eventually cuz i'd know that it's "normal" as i see him every day & so i kind of "know" him...
but the thing is that i see him only every once in a while, you know... like once every other week or so... sometimes even only once in a whole month.
what's even more weird is that as you know i can't really look at him so i've only seen him from the corner of my eye... nevertheless i'm kind of pretty sure that i think he's cute and i like him A LOT....like really a lot.... and i think about him pretty much all the time and every time i'm on a bus i look around to check if he's there and i make plans about how i'm going to smile at him, etc...
the thing is, i feel like he kind of likes me too...because i've seen him for the first time like 3 years ago or so and i remember i was sitting face to face with him and when i got out of the bus i saw that he was staring out of the window, really like leaning towards it to look at me. at least, i'm think he looked at me...cuz i was with my sister... he might have looked at her... i'm not 100% sure... and besides, years have passed since then and i don't know if he (still?) likes me... or if back then, he only stared at me for some other reason... maybe i reminded him of someone or sth.
but i think that one time (not too long ago) when i saw him, he looked in my direction many times, but only for a few seconds. i even managed to look back at him like twice or so and he always looked away super quickly as i was just turning my head towards him...
and today, i saw him again.
i was just talking to my friend (girlfriend) (but wondering whether he could be in the bus i was going to take, as always) and then i realized he was standing like 14 feet away from me or sth... and i looked at him (YES, i did...but only cuz he was so far away... i'm SUCH a coward...) and i'm pretty sure he looked back at me...
and then i said goodbye to my friend. my bus was there so i got onto it and sat down, and then i saw that he was standing across from me...i was startled and i immediately looked down at my bag, at my feet, at my nails (they were pink. i thought, "oh my god, he surely dislikes pink..." :D i'm AWFUL... like, where is my self-confidence, for gods sake? i feel like it's totally gone when he's around...).... i looked at all the other people but I DIDN'T LOOK AT HIM. AARGH! :(
but i felt like he was looking at me again, like, he looked at me for 1,5sec, than he turned his head away from me, than he looked at me again, than looked away really quickly... but maybe i'm all wrong and he looked at sth else because i didn't see him properly, just from the corner of my eye... i'm so ANGRY with myself... everytime i see him and i ignore my resolutions & i don't manage to look at him, afterwards i feel TERRIBLE. terrible, empty, sad, disappointed...of myself, you know... it's like i betray myself but i can't help it. and i feel so stupid because i can look at EVERYONE but i don't manage to look at him for a single second.
anyway, but this time it was slightly different. so he was looking at me & stuff but then i felt like he gave in or sth and he walked away, walking past me and ignoring me. and finally i looked at his face as he was right next to me but he kept ignoring me, so i looked away, and he walked past me to sit down somewhere on the bus. i guess, he had seen someone getting off the bus & he wanted to sit down. but do i interpret the situation too much or do you agree with me, that he just might have thought that i'm not interested and he gave in??
but i feel like i'm constantly discouraging him.... and maybe he'll ignore me the next time i'll see him... oh my god... i hope i'm wrong :(
cuz the second time i've seen him it was the same... he was sitting only 2 or 3 feet away from me, and RIGHT across me but i NEVER looked at him. and it was a LONG bus trip. i looked everywhere but not at him... i'm always so embarrassed and i feel like he's to good for me, he's gonna laugh at me or he's gonna be creeped out or sth... i remember we were both listening to music ( i think rock music) and we were both tapping our hands and feet... it was kind of cool, but also odd because I DIDN'T MANAGE TO LOOK AT HIM!

i'd really appreciate your help!!
i don't know what to think, what to do...
i'm kind of desperate/confused/....
i'm SUCH a coward, i know :(((

xoxo